Marriage: A Contract That Should be a Sacrament

Marriages are decreasing, divorce rates are sitting pretty at about half –

love is in the air.

Hookup culture is at its peak, relationship pitfalls await at every turn, and we Millennials and Gen Zs are paying the price. The truth is, most of us don’t take relationships seriously anymore. But where did hookup culture come from and why is it so damaging? Maybe our parents weren’t great models of marriage, maybe we had a bad experience, maybe negative messages floating through the news and mainstream media have brainwashed us– but more on that later.

Even as a 20-something year old, I’ve always noticed a negative dialogue surrounding marriage and family. Likewise, as someone approaching the aisle myself, the amount of negativity seems to be magnified now. So why all this hate on marriage? And what cultural “norms” are wedging nearly half of couples apart?

Although hookup culture was first seen in the cultural revolution in the 1920s and even more so in the 1960s with the rise of feminism, the portrayal of “hookups” and casual sex started to become significantly more mainstream in the early 2000s by popular films. The 2009 film Hooking Up and 2011 films No Strings Attached and Friends With Benefits are just a few obvious examples. All of these films contain strong themes of casual sex while discouraging emotional attachment, conveniently masked with classic, cheesy, rom-com humor. 

So why does the young generation have commitment issues? Not because we want to but because we’ve learned to. That’s right. If we watch, listen, or read an idea enough times, we become desensitized to it and it stays in our subconscious whether we like it or not. It’s basic psychology. The same goes for negative phrases or passive-aggressive comments surrounding marriage. Here are just a few examples:

“Don’t get married too young.”

“Don’t tie yourself down.”

“Go see the world and have fun first.”

“Shop around a little.”

Sound familiar? Unfortunately, these aren’t limited to our screens anymore. Chances are, we’ve probably heard someone say at least one of these phrases out loud before. Most likely, these “words of wisdom” came from someone of an older generation, maybe even someone we look up to or admire. Referring to one’s partner as a “ball and chain” is a popular metaphor that certainly comes to mind around the discussion of marriage. Another personal favorite of mine is, “Don’t forget to sign a prenup.” 

Now, say what you will about trying to avoid gold-diggers or acting in the “best interest” of both parties involved, prenuptial agreements are the ax chipping away at successful marriages. Why? Because real marriage is about unity. It’s about two people becoming one. Not “one” in a metaphorical, lovey-dovey kind of way, although that’s part of it. “One” in the sense that they’re a team, what’s hers is his and what’s his is also hers. This forces communication. Although the specifics of prenups vary by location, the general idea is to condition couples to think as separate entities instead of as one. By signing a prenuptial agreement, not only are couples preparing for divorce before they’re even married, they’re saying “what’s mine is not yours.” To the same effect, this agreement also implies that the only assets brought to the relationship are those measured in dollars and cents. 

For example, let’s say a man and a woman get married. They are both working corporate jobs and after a year or two they decide to start a family. One kid, two kids, and the couple decides that the man will continue to work, move up, and make more money to support the family while the wife stays home to raise the kids. The classic story. Now, ten years later, the husband divorces his wife. Now what? You guessed it – they both signed a prenup. Outside of lawyer’s fees, not only is the husband’s corporate job not interrupted by this, he’s doing better than ever. After 10 years of hard work he’s in management! Meanwhile his wife, who quit her job to raise their children has to start over. 10 years without a corporate job– guess who is stuck starting a corporate career from square one? 

Of course, these days, this example can be flipped around for any situation. Maybe the husband was a stay at home father and the wife kept working a corporate job. The idea is the same. All this boils down to the very simple fact that a prenuptial agreement is a nice, fancy worded way of saying “I might be in love with you, but I don’t trust you.” And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the problem. 

Now, this is not to say that anyone who signed a prenuptial agreement has a doomed marriage. The point here is that it’s a barrier to unity, which is, in of itself, a very slippery slope that opens the door to other, much bigger problems within a marriage.

So now bitter husbands are telling their friends that their wives are weighing them down, and hurt wifes are telling their friends how they feel betrayed. Their children listen to their hurtful banter as they grow, and soon enough we have a culture where men and women are pitted against each other. We talk bad about each other, about how committed relationships are no fun and who needs them? And voila! The birth of hookup culture as we know it today.

Since no one is willing to put in the hard work that it takes to maintain a healthy, committed relationship, why even go there? Why don’t we all just save ourselves the trouble? Of course, we all get lonely, so it should be acceptable to “take comfort” or “pleasure” in a stranger’s arms, but only if they aren’t interested in anything serious. Because if that one-night-stand wants to have a conversation or a proper date after sex, they’re too “clingy” and you should make a run for it – a theme also commonly portrayed in the popular aforementioned romantic comedies.

There’s no denying that, as humans, we desire connection with each other. But what does that mean? When we boil down connection to nothing more than physicality or sexuality, it’s no wonder we’re so empty. We’ve learned that we shouldn’t ask for mental connection from someone we’re just “hooking up” with– that’s against the rules. How did we learn this? Maybe we grew up watching it in family relationships and in movies. Maybe we were hurt by someone. Maybe we were on the other side once, branded “clingy” or “no fun” for expecting more than the physical.  After all, better to leave than to be left. So round and round we go in a vicious cycle. 

The hard-to-swallow truth about hookup culture is that it doesn’t end when we find someone great. It doesn’t vanish when we finally find ourselves in committed relationships. By participating in hookup culture, we’ve conditioned ourselves to think of and experience physical and sexual intimacy casually, as something that can be exchanged with a stranger without depth, meaning, or love. Thus, we’ve built a fortress of emotional detachment within ourselves. So, when we try to make the switch to a faithful, healthy marriage, we find ourselves struggling. How do we make physical and sexual intimacy sacred and meaningful again? Is it even possible? And if it’s not sacred, then why are we supposed to keep it between ourselves and our spouses when we’re married? 

In my experience, this is where the fear sets in. The fear of commitment, the fear of being left before we can do the leaving. This leads to one of three things. The first is that the couple breaks up, goes their separate ways, and the cycle repeats. The second is that they stay together, seemingly happy at first, but sooner or later the paranoia sets in. Jealousy creeps up when he goes out to bars with the guys or she looks too dressed up for girl’s night. Who is he/she trying to impress? The relationship turns toxic and accusations are thrown. The third is that the couple commits to marriage, the lifespan of which remains to be seen.

In all honesty, I don’t know if it’s possible to restore intimacy to its rightful place. Can therapy fix something so engrained since we were so young? The kids who lived their formative years accepting the popularization of hookup culture have grown up, either pledging themselves to “single” life or marrying. Either way, time will tell if we’re on the road to healing or not.

What I’ve learned about marriage so far, that is so often overshadowed by the excitement of planning the wedding, the “happiness” of the honeymoon stage, and the idea of happily ever after, is that marriage is a sacrifice. Making sacrifices for the other person, making sacrifices for the relationship. It’s uncomfortable and it’s hard. It’s really really hard. Our culture insists that comfort and feeling great all the time is the most important thing. So why should we make those sacrifices? Because the rewards are priceless. Because happily ever after exists only when you’re willing to work for it. Those sacrifices yield a rich, fulfilling, and ever-growing relationship, a family, a partner to journey with you through life and to grow old with, a support system, a champion, a marriage that is a beautiful testament to enduring love. 

Marriage requires practice, just like building muscle requires work, even on days when you don’t feel like it, because love isn’t just a feeling, it’s an active choice every single day. Our society has many obstacles keeping us from committing to maintaining healthy, happy marriages; this is just the tip of the iceberg. Fortunately, we have all the tools we need, the first being awareness, to keep our committed relationships healthy– now it’s just time to roll up our sleeves and put in the work.

Kate Melgoza holds a Bachelor’s in English and Writing Studies with a focus in Philosophy.

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